TBA is still training harder than a choir boy in a porn shop. I cannot be sure if the P90X class is helping with our triathlon training, but it certainly has us working hard and sweating more than a whore in church. Last week, we did “plyometrics” which bears considerable resemblance to the seventh circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno.
The plyometric routine we did was basically a series of squats and jumping exercises. It really got the heart-rate going (I know this because I got to use my fancy heart monitor). Matt forgot his HR monitor in his locker, and then he forgot his locker combination. Sometimes I think that Matt couldn’t even count to twenty-one if he was naked.
By the end of the class, I could have sworn they had turned up the heat in the gym. Seriously, it was hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock. The class was rougher than I expected; the short recovery time mixed with the increased intensity made it very similar to interval training.
Most other days of the week, we can be found working out (which also includes ogling women and making crude, off-color jokes) either in Rockford or downtown Grand Rapids. “Smart” women are more than welcome to stop by.
We like to alternate between cardio and weight-training. Cardio days are fairly simple – we either run on the track or ride a stationary bike. Lately we’ve been doing “brick” workouts (following up a bike ride with a run). Following an intense bike ride, your legs are basically jelly for the first few hundred yards. The point of the “bricks” is to improve the transition from bike to run.
When we don’t feel like doing shit, like the day after a hardcore weight-training day, we’ll slack off and play racquetball. I have yet to win because I am not at all coordinated, but I am getting better.
We have been trying to get into the pool more often, but it hasn’t been working out. Whenever we try to go to the pool after running or biking, there is always a bullshit class or some school swim team using the lap pool.
Weight training has been the focus of our training thus far, although with our race season rapidly approaching, we’ll be switching to a more cardio-focused routine. Our weight training days are split between chest, legs, and arms/shoulders. We haven’t really done much involving the back muscles until recently.
Our training has not been without its hiccups. Last week, Matt nearly killed me by pulling all of the weights off of one side of the squat barbell when I had only just begun taking the weights off of the other side. Matt’s side of the barbell shot up and the weights on my side fell to the ground with a crash. Without the weights, my side of the barbell leveled off, but in doing so cracked me in the face above the left eye. Sometimes I think that Matt couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
No big deal, I’ve had concussions before and I’m sure I’ll have them again. But I think we’ll stick with the cabled squat bar from now on.
Team Bad Ass is all signed up for the Fifth Third Riverbank run. Matt and I will represent TBA in the 25K and Matt’s sister Sarah will run in the 5K.
That’s all for now. Thanks for all of the emails. Not one stupid comment this time. Way to go!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Update
Jim here. Nothing all that new going on. But maybe I can keep Mary at bay by posting some of the nothingness that I take shit for not posting.
Well, that may be short-selling it. Matt and I started taking a P90X class at the gym twice a week. It is helping us to meet housewives and sweat liquor out of our pores. Other than the class, we are still keeping our usual routine at the gym, although we really need to start hitting the pool more often (primarily so that I can tell Adam to go fuck himself).
I recently got an Ipod for the sole purpose of setting it up with the Nike+ system. Kind of like an speedometer/odometer on your car, it tells you how fast and how far you have run. You install this sensor on your shoe and then like magic (or like physics or something) you have a voice in your ear telling you your pace and your milage. I don't know how it works, it's not a pedometer and I think that gnomes might have been involved in it's creation. Anyone that can explain it to my satisfaction gets a Team Bad Ass prize.
There are a ton of options that I have yet to play around with, but it lets you program a Power Song that will play if you drop below your pace. Mine is currently set to "Through the Fire and the Flames" by DragonForce. Tried it out today with a 45 minute run at the gym, it required virtually no setup and it seems to be very accurate.
Maybe I can retire the old mp3 player. Hey, Matt, you're getting a present! Seriously, the guy still has a Sony Walkman that plays cassette tapes. He runs around with giant earphones listening to a worn out J. Geils Band tape. Makes us look bad.
On another note, other people need to stay the fuck out of the gym. Lately, the gym has been busier than fire-eater with a paper asshole. Every jerkoff with a New Year's resolution has now become an impediment to me fulfilling my goals.
Oh, you want to ride the exercise bike? Too bad, some fatass in poorly-fitting stretchpants is already sitting on it, barely pedaling and reading Redbook.
You want to log some laps on the track? You had best be prepared to swerve in between the Holsteins and Heifers that don't understand that their near-Volkswagon size creates an obstacle akin to a rhinosaurus on the expressway.
And who the fuck takes the elevator and then gets on the step-machine?
I am strongly considering investing in an Old Country Buffet franchise and setting up shop in the parking lot just to alleviate the crowd in the gym. A more cost-effective solution might be a series of signs that read "Free Ham for Fatties" and have an arrow that points away from the gym entrance. Anyway, food for thought (get it?).
Oh, TBA merchandise is in the works. There is talk of a calendar, though I may just repackage an English Sheepdog calendar and tell people it's Matt. The similarities are frightening. Stay tuned for details.
Jim out!
Well, that may be short-selling it. Matt and I started taking a P90X class at the gym twice a week. It is helping us to meet housewives and sweat liquor out of our pores. Other than the class, we are still keeping our usual routine at the gym, although we really need to start hitting the pool more often (primarily so that I can tell Adam to go fuck himself).
I recently got an Ipod for the sole purpose of setting it up with the Nike+ system. Kind of like an speedometer/odometer on your car, it tells you how fast and how far you have run. You install this sensor on your shoe and then like magic (or like physics or something) you have a voice in your ear telling you your pace and your milage. I don't know how it works, it's not a pedometer and I think that gnomes might have been involved in it's creation. Anyone that can explain it to my satisfaction gets a Team Bad Ass prize.
There are a ton of options that I have yet to play around with, but it lets you program a Power Song that will play if you drop below your pace. Mine is currently set to "Through the Fire and the Flames" by DragonForce. Tried it out today with a 45 minute run at the gym, it required virtually no setup and it seems to be very accurate.
Maybe I can retire the old mp3 player. Hey, Matt, you're getting a present! Seriously, the guy still has a Sony Walkman that plays cassette tapes. He runs around with giant earphones listening to a worn out J. Geils Band tape. Makes us look bad.
On another note, other people need to stay the fuck out of the gym. Lately, the gym has been busier than fire-eater with a paper asshole. Every jerkoff with a New Year's resolution has now become an impediment to me fulfilling my goals.
Oh, you want to ride the exercise bike? Too bad, some fatass in poorly-fitting stretchpants is already sitting on it, barely pedaling and reading Redbook.
You want to log some laps on the track? You had best be prepared to swerve in between the Holsteins and Heifers that don't understand that their near-Volkswagon size creates an obstacle akin to a rhinosaurus on the expressway.
And who the fuck takes the elevator and then gets on the step-machine?
I am strongly considering investing in an Old Country Buffet franchise and setting up shop in the parking lot just to alleviate the crowd in the gym. A more cost-effective solution might be a series of signs that read "Free Ham for Fatties" and have an arrow that points away from the gym entrance. Anyway, food for thought (get it?).
Oh, TBA merchandise is in the works. There is talk of a calendar, though I may just repackage an English Sheepdog calendar and tell people it's Matt. The similarities are frightening. Stay tuned for details.
Jim out!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Team Bad Ass needs your help
In an attempt to enhance our already badass image, TBA is looking into making t-shirts and hats. That way, even those that do not follow our blog can know how awesome we are. The only problem is that we cannot agree on a motto. Below are the options, let us know what you think.
1. “Trample the weak. Hurdle the dead.”
2. “That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.”
3. “Pain is weakness leaving the body”
4. “No retreat, no surrender.”
5. “Nut up or shut up.”
6. “We are the people our parents warned us about.”
I’d say that we welcome your submissions, but after seeing some of the inane and downright retarded comments that get posted, that really isn’t the case.
1. “Trample the weak. Hurdle the dead.”
2. “That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.”
3. “Pain is weakness leaving the body”
4. “No retreat, no surrender.”
5. “Nut up or shut up.”
6. “We are the people our parents warned us about.”
I’d say that we welcome your submissions, but after seeing some of the inane and downright retarded comments that get posted, that really isn’t the case.
Monday, January 11, 2010
2010 Race Schedule - For Real This Time!!!
Hello loyal readers! Hope the holiday season treated you well.
And a special hello to the disloyal assholes that like to send hate mail and leave negative comments. Hope you die in a fire!
Matt and I got together after our inaugural P90X class this morning and hammered out a race plan for 2010. It is a bold and challenging schedule that would impress even the most sinewy of athletes. And if it doesn’t, go to hell and then co-author your own blog with Hitler and Ted Kennedy. Better yet, set up a Twitter account so you can tweet updates to all of your faggot-ass friends.
Anyway, Matt and I met at TBA Headquarters (over Eggs Benedict and a club sandwich, respectively) and narrowed an almost endless list of marathons, triathlons, adventure races, and keggers to come up with our 2010 schedule. We decided on fifteen events which I will detail below.
The whole idea of Team Bad Ass was to train for a large event by competing in smaller ones, and I am confident that our schedule does that. We are going to start the season with primarily run-based events, then transition (no pun intended) into cycling and multisport events as we get further into the summer.
Team Bad Ass is currently waitlisted for the Hustle up the Hancock, a 94-flight stair climb up to the top of the John Hancock Building in Chicago. I don’t know when they will notify us, but I am not too hopeful. I guess we can just keep the hundred bucks and climb the stairs in my building nineteen times.
Our first race will be the Town Crier 10K in Saugatuck, Michigan. Matt and I competed in the Run Thru the Rapids 10K last October and we think the 10K distance will be a great start to our run season. Plus Matt can do some antiquing while we’re there.
A week after the Saugatuck 10K we’re going to up the ante with the Strider’s 10-miler in Grandville, Michigan. Last year we followed up the 10K with a half-marathon. We thought worked well, so we’re going to do it again.
Our first multisport event is the Steelcase Duathlon (run 5k, bike 30k, run 5k). The duathlon format is a new thing for us, but anything that keeps me out of the water is perfectly acceptable.
The Fifth-Third Riverbank Run will represent our longest distance race to date. At 25K (roughly 15.5 miles), we will once again be upping the ante, hoping to get one step closer to marathon distance. Also it’s right here in Grand Rapids, so it should be easy to get to. Plus they’re probably going to close down all the streets anyway, so what else would we be doing.
The Rockford Marathon is the early jewel of our race season. The 26.2 mile race is held in Rockford, Illinois and will probably be the most challenging thing I have will have accomplished thus far in my life. I can’t speak for Matt, he’s still bragging about beating a 6-year-old at “Don’t Break the Ice”. When the ice has broken, and the old man has fallen, the game is done…
TBA’s first triathlon will be the Seahorse Triathlon in Kalamazoo. It is a sprint distance race (500m swim, 20k bike, 5k run) that we picked to get us back into the swing of things. We’re both looking to best our already amazing time records we set in Traverse City last year.
We plan on starting off June with the 100 Grand Century, a 105 mile bike ride in Grand Rapids. We (read, Matt) copped out of the century ride last October and we ended up riding a “metric century” or 62 miles instead. This year we will ride the full hundred even if I have to keep a tazer with me on the bike to “encourage” Matt to keep pedaling.
Our second Tri will be the Bostwick Lake Triathlon in Rockford, Michigan. Like the Seahorse Tri in Kzoo, it is also a sprint distance race. The ranks of Team Bad Ass will likely swell during this race as numerous would-be triathletes have expressed interest in racing with us. So with that in mind there may be many cameo appearances on the team roster that day.
While I’m on the subject, if you would like to join the members of Team Bad Ass for an event, there are costs and requirements. For other guys, do know that you will be buying the post-race liquor and lap-dances. Ladies, you must be “smart” and have flexible morals.
This season, TBA will also be competing an event that actually requires a team! Muddy Buddy is a nationwide series of races where two-man teams alternate between running and mountain-biking through a six-mile obstacle course. The race ends with a long crawl through a mud pit. Muddy Buddy is probably the event that Matt and I are most looking forward to.
Our third triathlon will be the Lighthouse Triathlon in Ludington, Michigan. Also a sprint-distance race, the swim portion of the tri takes place in Lake Michigan which should be pretty cool. Plus there is a lighthouse. Apparently.
The Barefoot Triathlon in Traverse City will be TBA first Olympic distance race (1.5k swim, 26 mile bike, 6.2 mile run). We did the sprint distance last year, so this year we are going to kick it up a notch. The swim takes place in the Traverse Bay and this year we will likely not be able to touch the bottom which likely means that I have to learn how to swim.
We have a second century ride planned for late September. We’ll turn Matt into a cyclist yet! The Apple Cider Century starts in Three Oaks, Michigan and weaves 100 miles through rural roads in southern Michigan and northern Indiana. It’s too bad the route includes Indiana, which is arguably the worst state in the Union. No scratch that, there is no argument. Indiana sucks more balls than Elton John. I’d rather visit Pyongyang.
Run Thru the Rapids, is a 10K race along the Grand River though downtown Grand Rapids. With this race being so close, it would be ridiculous not to do it. We both hope to beat our times from last year, and after a race season as stacked as this one, we had better shave some serious time.
The Grand Rapids Marathon is a week after the Rapids 10K. It was between the Chicago Marathon and this one. We chose Grand Rapids so as to avoid having to drive anywhere. I can’t imagine wanting to drive anywhere after finishing a 26.2 mile run, especially a 3-hour drive that includes a stretch of the State of Indiana, which if you were reading carefully is the worst state in the Union. We ought to sell it to the Indians, maybe get back that case of firewater and chest full of glass beads that we paid for Manhattan. Plus with all the diseases already there, it’s likely impervious to smallpox. Too soon?
The pièce de résistance of our 2010 race season is the Battleship Triathlon in Wilmington, North Carolina. The race is a half-iron distance event (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run). This is the big one, well at least for us.
There will no doubt be minor alterations – Matt gets moody and I am well known for making wild, arbitrary decisions – but for the most part we are both excited about all of the events. There are also a couple of events that have not released dates just yet. Namely the Mitchell Run and the Millennium Triathlon.
Anyway, that’s the plan. All told it should total 3.2 miles of swimming, 556 miles of cycling, and 131 miles of running.
Let us know what you think so that I can mock you unmercifully in my next posting. Those leaving negative comments are required to leave a home address and times that you will be available for a severe ass-beating.
For those that really care or would like to join us, you can find the calendar below:
Sunday, Feb 28 – Hustle up the Hancock
Sunday, April 11 – Town Crier 10K
Saturday, April 17 – Strider’s 10-miler
Sunday, April 25 – Steelcase Duathlon
Saturday, May 8 – Riverbank Run 25K
Sunday, May 16 – Rockford Marathon
Sunday, May 30 – Seahorse Triathlon
Saturday, June 5 – 100 Grand Century
Sunday, July 4 – Bostwick Lake Triathlon
Sunday, August 1 – Muddy Buddy
Sunday, August 22 – Lighthouse Triathlon
Sunday, September 5 – Barefoot Triathlon
Sunday, September 26 – Apple Cider Century
Saturday, October 9 – Run Thru the Rapids
Sunday, October 17 – Grand Rapids Marathon
Saturday, Nov 13 – Battleship Triathlon 70.3
And a special hello to the disloyal assholes that like to send hate mail and leave negative comments. Hope you die in a fire!
Matt and I got together after our inaugural P90X class this morning and hammered out a race plan for 2010. It is a bold and challenging schedule that would impress even the most sinewy of athletes. And if it doesn’t, go to hell and then co-author your own blog with Hitler and Ted Kennedy. Better yet, set up a Twitter account so you can tweet updates to all of your faggot-ass friends.
Anyway, Matt and I met at TBA Headquarters (over Eggs Benedict and a club sandwich, respectively) and narrowed an almost endless list of marathons, triathlons, adventure races, and keggers to come up with our 2010 schedule. We decided on fifteen events which I will detail below.
The whole idea of Team Bad Ass was to train for a large event by competing in smaller ones, and I am confident that our schedule does that. We are going to start the season with primarily run-based events, then transition (no pun intended) into cycling and multisport events as we get further into the summer.
Team Bad Ass is currently waitlisted for the Hustle up the Hancock, a 94-flight stair climb up to the top of the John Hancock Building in Chicago. I don’t know when they will notify us, but I am not too hopeful. I guess we can just keep the hundred bucks and climb the stairs in my building nineteen times.
Our first race will be the Town Crier 10K in Saugatuck, Michigan. Matt and I competed in the Run Thru the Rapids 10K last October and we think the 10K distance will be a great start to our run season. Plus Matt can do some antiquing while we’re there.
A week after the Saugatuck 10K we’re going to up the ante with the Strider’s 10-miler in Grandville, Michigan. Last year we followed up the 10K with a half-marathon. We thought worked well, so we’re going to do it again.
Our first multisport event is the Steelcase Duathlon (run 5k, bike 30k, run 5k). The duathlon format is a new thing for us, but anything that keeps me out of the water is perfectly acceptable.
The Fifth-Third Riverbank Run will represent our longest distance race to date. At 25K (roughly 15.5 miles), we will once again be upping the ante, hoping to get one step closer to marathon distance. Also it’s right here in Grand Rapids, so it should be easy to get to. Plus they’re probably going to close down all the streets anyway, so what else would we be doing.
The Rockford Marathon is the early jewel of our race season. The 26.2 mile race is held in Rockford, Illinois and will probably be the most challenging thing I have will have accomplished thus far in my life. I can’t speak for Matt, he’s still bragging about beating a 6-year-old at “Don’t Break the Ice”. When the ice has broken, and the old man has fallen, the game is done…
TBA’s first triathlon will be the Seahorse Triathlon in Kalamazoo. It is a sprint distance race (500m swim, 20k bike, 5k run) that we picked to get us back into the swing of things. We’re both looking to best our already amazing time records we set in Traverse City last year.
We plan on starting off June with the 100 Grand Century, a 105 mile bike ride in Grand Rapids. We (read, Matt) copped out of the century ride last October and we ended up riding a “metric century” or 62 miles instead. This year we will ride the full hundred even if I have to keep a tazer with me on the bike to “encourage” Matt to keep pedaling.
Our second Tri will be the Bostwick Lake Triathlon in Rockford, Michigan. Like the Seahorse Tri in Kzoo, it is also a sprint distance race. The ranks of Team Bad Ass will likely swell during this race as numerous would-be triathletes have expressed interest in racing with us. So with that in mind there may be many cameo appearances on the team roster that day.
While I’m on the subject, if you would like to join the members of Team Bad Ass for an event, there are costs and requirements. For other guys, do know that you will be buying the post-race liquor and lap-dances. Ladies, you must be “smart” and have flexible morals.
This season, TBA will also be competing an event that actually requires a team! Muddy Buddy is a nationwide series of races where two-man teams alternate between running and mountain-biking through a six-mile obstacle course. The race ends with a long crawl through a mud pit. Muddy Buddy is probably the event that Matt and I are most looking forward to.
Our third triathlon will be the Lighthouse Triathlon in Ludington, Michigan. Also a sprint-distance race, the swim portion of the tri takes place in Lake Michigan which should be pretty cool. Plus there is a lighthouse. Apparently.
The Barefoot Triathlon in Traverse City will be TBA first Olympic distance race (1.5k swim, 26 mile bike, 6.2 mile run). We did the sprint distance last year, so this year we are going to kick it up a notch. The swim takes place in the Traverse Bay and this year we will likely not be able to touch the bottom which likely means that I have to learn how to swim.
We have a second century ride planned for late September. We’ll turn Matt into a cyclist yet! The Apple Cider Century starts in Three Oaks, Michigan and weaves 100 miles through rural roads in southern Michigan and northern Indiana. It’s too bad the route includes Indiana, which is arguably the worst state in the Union. No scratch that, there is no argument. Indiana sucks more balls than Elton John. I’d rather visit Pyongyang.
Run Thru the Rapids, is a 10K race along the Grand River though downtown Grand Rapids. With this race being so close, it would be ridiculous not to do it. We both hope to beat our times from last year, and after a race season as stacked as this one, we had better shave some serious time.
The Grand Rapids Marathon is a week after the Rapids 10K. It was between the Chicago Marathon and this one. We chose Grand Rapids so as to avoid having to drive anywhere. I can’t imagine wanting to drive anywhere after finishing a 26.2 mile run, especially a 3-hour drive that includes a stretch of the State of Indiana, which if you were reading carefully is the worst state in the Union. We ought to sell it to the Indians, maybe get back that case of firewater and chest full of glass beads that we paid for Manhattan. Plus with all the diseases already there, it’s likely impervious to smallpox. Too soon?
The pièce de résistance of our 2010 race season is the Battleship Triathlon in Wilmington, North Carolina. The race is a half-iron distance event (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run). This is the big one, well at least for us.
There will no doubt be minor alterations – Matt gets moody and I am well known for making wild, arbitrary decisions – but for the most part we are both excited about all of the events. There are also a couple of events that have not released dates just yet. Namely the Mitchell Run and the Millennium Triathlon.
Anyway, that’s the plan. All told it should total 3.2 miles of swimming, 556 miles of cycling, and 131 miles of running.
Let us know what you think so that I can mock you unmercifully in my next posting. Those leaving negative comments are required to leave a home address and times that you will be available for a severe ass-beating.
For those that really care or would like to join us, you can find the calendar below:
Sunday, Feb 28 – Hustle up the Hancock
Sunday, April 11 – Town Crier 10K
Saturday, April 17 – Strider’s 10-miler
Sunday, April 25 – Steelcase Duathlon
Saturday, May 8 – Riverbank Run 25K
Sunday, May 16 – Rockford Marathon
Sunday, May 30 – Seahorse Triathlon
Saturday, June 5 – 100 Grand Century
Sunday, July 4 – Bostwick Lake Triathlon
Sunday, August 1 – Muddy Buddy
Sunday, August 22 – Lighthouse Triathlon
Sunday, September 5 – Barefoot Triathlon
Sunday, September 26 – Apple Cider Century
Saturday, October 9 – Run Thru the Rapids
Sunday, October 17 – Grand Rapids Marathon
Saturday, Nov 13 – Battleship Triathlon 70.3
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